August 5, 2014
By: Victoria S. Ríos-Rivas
An icing blue wave beats against the sand, draws the sand into the ocean, then throws it back again and again, and again without a moment’s hesitation. I am the sand and sin is the wave. I feel like a rotting nail left on a side of a road, a rusted bike dumped in an overlooked district, a broken swing forgotten by its maker. Crusted with sin and shame, unworthy of all I might have.
It’s easier to ignore the feelings and go on with this wrongly glorified lifestyle that I have fashioned together. Going along with the flow of things essentially takes an effect and causes you to become numb toward religion and not care the tiniest bit. Who can take away this numbness? Or a more common question yet, what can take away with feeling-less agony and make me feel something? Drugs? Alcohol? Friends? Entertainment? Sex? I try to fill my empty heart with cheap substances, which perceives to be filling up when in fact is burning a growing hole in my already fragile heart. This causes me to become depressed and block my vision from both my loving Father up above and my caring family here on earth. It takes all my might to go back to God, to turn to Him, to open up His word and read. Vulnerability drives a huge role in healing. I’ve come to realize that I do not want to talk with my God, for then it requires opening up and admitting to myself of my sins. Once my heart is unlocked, and streams of salty tears escape my eyes, I automatically feel the piercing weights lifted off my shoulders by the grace of God.
The same question seems to haunt me still: “why do I go back?” I know the only true happiness comes from God, yet I turn to my old ways. God watches everything, and for that I am most grateful. Knowing that he knows everything, and sees everything, brings a blanket of comfort over me. It means that he understands my battling struggles I face every single day of my binary life. It means I am not alone, even if I fail to hear a single heartbeat; I know His is beating up in heaven, full of love for His precious child whom I like to call “me.”
~V.S.R.R.
Photo: Marbella, Spain
You were on a different level as a teenager, that's for sure haha these are adult mid-life thoughts but definitely shows the level of person you are